Why Im stuck in Limbo or Who the Hell is Steering this Jumbo Jet?

What do you do when your choices in life seem to suddenly be on autopilot?  

 There was a short period of time after I moved out of my beautiful home on Laurel Drive when my marriage ended and into an apartment with my children that I felt strangely, completely empowered. It was quite frankly stupid to move out of a house that required no mortgage payment because it was already in foreclosure. I had a finite but free amount of time to live there. I was granted a sizeable amount of support because I had been a stay at home Mom for many years and my son needed many hours of therapy and appointments and hospitalizations. I could have stayed in our doomed home and lived on support but I really wanted to someday  stand on that stage in my violet glittering gown in front of velvet curtains and say 'Mommy made it on her own' while raising my fist dramatically to the heavens.  I hope to never again be reintroduced to the deluded, dope of an illogical woman who made that decision  but at the time, I was making the honorable choice in my mind.  I picked this new place, paid the down payment and dolled it up in décor that reflected MY disposition and taste only. I made many strange decision during that time that clearly were based on emotion up to and including pawning my diamond for pennies to spite and giving back all the Wedding gifts to my ex because of the principal of it.  Our gift registry was at Pier One. I still miss my wooden Indonesian carving of a cat with gold leaf decoration and bamboo placemats. My new place was sunny and decidedly girly. It said that I was on my own, working full time and I was good. At that same time, I started dating via sites like Plenty of Fish and Match.com I met some really great guys and made decisions about who, what and where we would meet and what Iittle it mattered if it worked out or not. It was eye opening to realize life wasn’t over. I spent many free weekends when the kids were with their Dad, sweaty short skirt dancing with my other single and divorced girlfriends at clubs and going to movies and out to eat in a series of casual dates and basically having a blast. This was my time. There is a whole plethora of memories with those girlfriends that probably will never be redone any time soon because I worked that out of my system like a chitty chitty bang bang sputtering out murky oil.  I needed to know that I was strong. I could decide and that I was first string quarterback after sitting the bench throughout my marriage.  

This year, my choices are as complicated as the State Property and Casualty exam I took awhile ago to become an insurance agent. The questions on that wretchedly dry test would be asked in a manner that forced you to decipher the language of the question for quite some time before you could even narrow down the answers. Like the scene in the Princess Bride about the cup with poison and who was going to take what cup when and why and was it a trick or not, choices on a State exam are meant to weed out people who just study answers and spit them out verbatim.  Although I rarely went below As and Bs in high school and college, it was a challenge. I didn’t pass my insurance test (Inconceivable!) until I watched a youtube tutorial on how to understand the way they were asking the questions. I am sure to the average man this sounds a lot like when a woman asks you if she looks fat. You cannot answer truthfully or with haste or too much hesitation. You have to weed out the tangled foliage of her tender feminine self esteem garden and determine what is a wondrous peony and what is an angry poison oak. It is hard to make a choice when you are not sure what is being asked. It is even harder when the choices are only subtly differentiated like picking OPI nail polish in red at the salon. So... red, scarlet, crimson, carmine, cadmium, violet red, candy apple red, red with glitter, opaque red or a wispy translucent red that only appears when you turn your finger just so? Remember the Monty Python skit about cheese? I feel like choices are not simple in my life these days. Choosing your battles seems stoic advice but can I get a hint at what war we are in because if I go at The Vietnam War in the manner of The Civil War, people are going to be wearing wool in the rice paddies and Lincoln may forego the Gettysburg Address for the 'smell of napalm in the morning.'  

Currently, I spend so much time choosing when I can choose to vindicate myself or when to walk away. Convincing myself it is okay not to react, confront, blow 'em out of the water with my wit and obvious superior intellect, the ole Ill get you before you get me mental battle that in the end makes you miserable and confused. Trying to maintain self control is no easy task. It feels good to scratch a bug bite til it bleeds but a scar is a scar. I really want to tell some people off. I want to come out the victor, be the Santa kicking the Red Rider requester down the chute. I want to say IN YO FACE!!!! I want to be the deciderer with Dubya. Unfortunately, my choice is take the HIGH ROAD or pay the consequences. 

My life is at a stage of obligations and the most important part of that is that I oblige willingly and lovingly. Id really like to be married, again. Id love to have someone at the end of the night to be exhausted on the couch with. Id love to snuggle like pandas on a Tuesday night instead of every other Saturday, not being able to get close enough as we dreamily drift off together after the late show but still be annoyed by his snoring at 1:15am. I want to argue about the toilet paper roll and bake salmon together in such an elaborate ritual of shopping, spices and tin foil arrangement you would  think we were building an atomic bomb. Is this going to happen? Probably not and it’s a disappointment I share with several other of what I consider scintillating and sexy single Mommies in long term relationships. Do we get the choice? Not really. Our choice is...stay and endure or break up. Not much of a choice. Even that choice has nuances that branch off like the roots of a weeping willow. How much more alimony am I entitled to? Where would we live? Would the children blend like the Brady Bunch or clash like the Titans? Will we fall into the same patterns that destroyed our former marriages? Have we been single too long? I mean, I like having all the pillows and my own closet and leaving the dishes in the sink too long, sometimes. I don’t always clean out the car. I leave all my eyeliners and perfumes and bobby pins laying on the bathroom counter like  fun-time scavenger hunt clues? Did she get ready leisurely while sipping coffee and laughing along with Matt Lauer or run out the door in a blaze of glory, backpacks, socks and lunches flying? Even so, there still isnt much of a choice if the partner you unilaterally planned this with is going off to join a mission in two years or has committed to being a bachelor to save money or they are just as scared as you are about failing(not falling) in love...again. Its hard to date at 40 something (and things are droopy like eyelids and boobies). Its even harder to be in a relationship at 40 something because it’s a lot of work. It requires attention, intention and intricate juggling of schedules and friendships and work requirements and custody arrangements and battered self esteems. Divorce takes its toll. It holds its ghastly hand out waiting for payment and then slaps you in the face when you give it your last three cents. To quote Annie in Bull Durham from memory, "Does anybody ever really get to choose? Its all a matter of quantum physics and timing." Well, I never took physics but I guess Mr Naticcia was right in eigth grade math. I will need this someday. It seemed unfair then and is definitely unfair now but much like eighth grade, no matter how awkward, ugly and uncomfortable, I will get through it.  

 My natural inclination of choices never includes A. Let it be vs B. Do something. Its usually A. Do something immediately vs B. Tell yourself not to do anything then immediately do something rash. I have a hard time letting things go as it is. My  familys goodbye rituals involve twenty to thirty minutes of cheek kisses, hugs and looking longingly at each  other as you drive slowly away all the while waving til you are completely out of vision range. Its ridiculous but comforting so its hard for me to just let things be and see how it turns out. Choice right now equals doing nothing or doing a really wrong thing that will drive away what you were trying to accomplish.Im working on it. Maybe its okay to be on autopilot in life for a short stint. Im going to try and sit back and take in the scenery because the best view with the most freedom is in the passenger seat.