Im Gonna Let It Shine or How to Love Your Enemy

How do you love someone who hates you? I went about looking for answers in the new media inspiration station, Pinterest and BrainyQuotes and found the same answer. "Love your enemies" from the old inspiration station The Bible.

I recently went to a funeral that moved me so deeply I couldn’t stop crying for most of the ceremony. This perplexed me and was embarrassing because although I had met this most beautiful and kind lady who passed away on only one occasion, I couldn’t say I was crying for her. I was crying for someone else. Me. Someone who felt like God was absent in her life and abandoned her, even though she could see all the beautiful gifts he gave her on a daily basis. If God was a boyfriend, Id say he was trying way too hard! Listen buddy, enough with the last minute miracles, the amazing friends, the continuous flow of job opportunities, the unexpected kindness of strangers in a pinch, the generosity and charity, the laughter, the beautiful and talented children I certainly don’t deserve. If this was candy and roses, Id weigh 500 pounds and die of a hay fever attack in my living room. Don’t you think you are overdoing it, God? I don’t know if I LIKE YOU like you. I do receive these things from God every day and HAVE every day since the time when I decided I "lost faith."

When Ryan was one, seven years ago, he contracted Bacterial Meningitis. The week before... his dad left. When children with Down Syndrome are babies, they often have fragile health. Ryan was constantly in the hospital for the usual Down Syndrome baby stuff, pneumonia, aspiration, reflux...blah blah blah. I can say that now that its over but it was quite harrowing while it was happening. Like doing the Tough Mudder. Its hard emotionally, physically, its dirty and you want to quit. When its over you take pictures of yourself with dirt all over your face and big smiles. That’s how Ryans stint with illness was. We have lots of pictures of us with dirt on our face (hospital rooms in those darn tiger pajamas they give kid patients that are always too big) but don’t really remember how tough it was once he recovered.

Its funny that most people look at Down Syndrome kids as just happy go lucky and sweet. They are also monster-truck-flannel-wearing-hillbilly-strong fighters who drive over things you cant imagine health wise and barely raise a fuss or leave a dent. My boy will always be Ryan the Lion. So the week Ryan was admitted to ICU and his dad left was also the week Ryan almost died in the hospital and I spent every breathing, stressful, terrifying moment in the Intensive care unit for two months with a man who clearly hated me. During that time, I was numb to the core and don’t really remember much except two wine-in-your-white-carpet-stain moments aka never going away. The first was descending the elevator in utter silence with my husband to wait for Ryan to come to and wanting to reach out and grab his hand and say, we can get through this but instead feeling completely awkward and stunned like those people you see after a tornado digging through the rubble of their belongings and clinging to a ragged inconsequential item that WAS their life. There is no loneliness more profound than being right beside someone in physical presence only and desperately longing for a lost connection. The second was when Ryan had a horrible reaction to anesthesia and nurses were rolling around too quickly for it to be a casual event. I asked my sweet cousin, a nurse, if Ryan was going to die and she looked me in the eye and said," I don’t know." I have never respected another human being more for that moment. She loved me enough to be honest when others were avoiding eye contact and saying not to worry. That moment profoundly changed me, so, really, it was also a clear and joyful gift from God to me. Honesty. Love. A chance to brace myself emotionally, Someone who saw me. I wasn’t alone at all.

Back to the funeral...so since then, pity party in tow, I still pray to God but I have this little flickering flame of untrust. I realized I was crying so hard at a pseudo stranger's funeral because I really needed to let go of that untrust. My friend's Mom who passed away gave that gift to me that day and I know it would please her to know that. I know she had a hand in it. According to everyone who spoke at her funeral she had a light in her that can only be described as "hide it under a bushel OH NO! Im gonna let it shine!" I always loved that song in Sunday School. Bringing this full circle to love your enemies, he STILL hates me with a venom Im not sure Ill ever understand. How do I love him, my "enemy?"

Let that shit go...to be crass. Let it shine!

Im not good at letting shit go. Im a full bodied, hot blooded woman. We never really let it go, but I guess Im going to LOVE his kids so much it wont matter that their Dad only sees the negative in me and trust me, there are many negatives to see. I curse when frustrated. As I always say, I COULD turn to crack to relieve stress, so its just swear words, folks! I yell A LOT when Im tired. Ironically, my kids find great joy in my tantrums. "You're funny, Mom!" That’s also a gift from the LIGHTEN UP ANGEL. Hes floating down from heaven in the form of kids laughter saying," you look like an idiot." It works. I laugh at myself a lot! Adding to my negative list, I can be petty and dwell on perceived hurts too long. I also need too much validation about my choices. Thank God I have THE most amazing friends ever!

How do you love your enemies? Don’t see yourself the way they see you. That’s a hard one. How do I love someone who hates me? Let them live their life and try to support what you can. Its like when your kids puts on a ridiculous outfit and you still say they look nice because that’s what being a mom is about...building up. Loving your enemies is not helping them tear down when there are ways to build up. It will be hard. Wish me luck!